Well As promised a view into Steph's first year of life! WARNING, It's not for the faint at heart.
Speaking of heart, Steph arrived in this world late and without anyone knowing what she had in mind upon entering. Her birth was complicated and I was expecting an easy delivery(after all I had done this three times prior)as well as her doctor. Needless to say SURPRISE! Steph was stuck! Her brain didn't want to leave and her heart was tearing her apart. This was a real case of mind over matter. I am just thankful that the mind lost!
She entered this world silent, being thrust around from doctor to nurse to doctor. Lots of action in our room as the nurses ran in and out and new doctors arrived. The nurse said that they were taking her to the NICU unit. When they decided to let me in on the secret I was told that she was being checked over by a cardiologist and that she had signs of a child with Downs. My first words out of my mouth was will she live? The doctor that was relating this news to us bent down and took my hand and said that was up to me and God. I asked why me? Knowing that God was foremost in this decision what could I possibly have to say about this.He told us that they were just helping her breath by giving her oxygen and that she had turned blue from the stress of the birthing. He said that she was taken to NICU Unit where they were doing further tests and that she needed more medical attention then they could give her here. My husband kept telling me how beautiful she was and how proud of me he had been. Another doctor came over and said "Mr. & Mrs. Lozano as you know you have a little girl, can I ask you what name you have planned for her. He started to explain that she had been born with over a 1,000 holes in her heart due to the blah blah blah (words that I was not familiar with) and a ASD(atrial septal defect.) she was hypotonic with various stigmata suggestive to Down syndrome. Yeah, Like I knew what all this meant! He then asked me if I would want them to continue life support on my daughter. Now it comes out! Here is where I had to decide!" Well, of course I want my daughter to live, are you nuts!" Those were the exact words I told this man who was standing over me talking in medical terms I knew nothing about. A nurse came over and asked me if I would like anything for the pain? I don't think they would have anything that would help this kind of pain I was feeling so I told her, "thanks but no thanks". They transferred me to the recovery room when all of a few minutes later I heard a doctor tell the nurse that I didn't need to be in there with the others and that I would be more comfortable in the birthing room I was in before. I was then taken to a private room, even though my insurance was for a semi-private, and told that someone would be in to talk to us shortly. So we waited. My memory escapes me as far as time goes to how long before anyone came into the room, but I can tell you this that no one, not even my best friend who was my birthing coach at the time or my husband had entered the room. At some point my husband appeared and we talked and cried and he told me he had been down at the NICU unit watching. Enter a social worker... her job was to inform us that the doctors had labeled her with being Down syndrome and that she would be hospitalized for several months if not weeks due to her condition. That the insurance was notified and that I would need to apply for state medical care for her. She would send someone to the hospital to talk to me further about cost related factors in raising a child with Downs. She handed me some pamphlets to read about having a child with Downs and asked me if I would be taking her home when she was released. I remember crying and telling her that I would never give away my child no matter what was wrong. She told us that the doctor would be in shortly to talk to us about Stephanies condition and that she was stable.
I know I had said the first year of her life and this post was about her first day, I will continue more tomorrow.
It was time for me to rest in the story and so it is time for me to rest now.
More hugs coming at you.
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